I found myself drifting off today to a time of heart ache and despair. In that moment I felt my heart run up into my throat almost choking me. Going into detail about the situation wouldn’t suppress this feeling but I feel directly expressing those emotions can help ease my mind away from that pain.

When you love someone deeply and suddenly you have discover you’ve been betrayed by them it’s as if the entire world goes black and all that surrounds you is agony. Time is progressing but you stand still, letting it pass you by and trying to understand what happened. I suppose as is a defense mechanism the mind begins to develop questions, trying to find some reasoning behind it. When you fail to find a reason, you begin to look to yourself. What did I do wrong? So the blame begins and somehow it resorts to you.

For days after, I remember feeling incredibly lost and hopeless. Unsure of what was to happen next but desperately hoping things would get better. Preparing for the worst I began to build this emotional wall. It was created to block out the world but especially that person who inflicted this upon me. I was terrified of what I was feeling and didn’t know which place was safest so I ran in circles mentally, draining my soul of its strength. My appetite vanished, as if food was nonexistent and eating was unnecessary. I had terrible nightmares of being alone, lost and in such heart ache that when I began to physically weep, I woke myself.  I would then lie in bed, feeling completely lifeless and afraid of falling back to sleep if it meant I had to experience that all over again.  

This vicious cycle continued for weeks until I slowly began to let go. I was exhausted and wanted to surrender from these feelings. So instead of looking down, I lifted my head to the sky letting the breeze and sun melt away this dark cloud that surrounded me.  I turned to myself spiritually, understanding that time would heal this and my life was not over. Music and meditation calmed me not only physically but mentally from this marathon I had been running. Writing was probably the most beneficial when encouraging me to express myself when seeking peace of mind. So here I am again, listening to music…taking a deep breath and embracing life for what it is without finding a reason for why it is.

     Memories, good and bad will last a life time. Truth is, sometimes we find ourselves in similar situations when we can’t help but be reminded of them. Except now as they surface, I can take control by reflecting and then putting them away as they are of no use to me now except to remind me that things get better and I survived. So take a deep breathe, look up to the sun and know….life goes on.

5:13 pm